then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
