I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
