i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
