Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
