I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
