I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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