The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
