I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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