It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
