i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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