she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
