I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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