My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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