he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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