It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
