I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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