Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
