I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
