please come you make the beer taste better
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
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and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
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yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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