My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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