I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
