I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
