omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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