what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We are two peas in an std pod
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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