making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize