I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
