how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
