I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
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My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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