I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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