i think my tv is drunk
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Randomize
