i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
