I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
