OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
