me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It's blow job season.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
