I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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