If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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