i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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