rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This baby is an asshole
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
