my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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