I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
