I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
