It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
