This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
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I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
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It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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