So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
