We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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