i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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