As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
