this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
