I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just pee around me
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
