did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
