It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
