I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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