ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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