Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
