i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
