I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
