Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Randomize
