I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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