Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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