I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
